Someone recently said to me that I should “just be grateful I have a child and that I have the means to do IVF”. But, here’s what I want people to know about secondary infertility...
I am allowed to love one baby and grieve another.
You can grieve a sister and still love your brother, right?
I’m allowed to smile and laugh with one child and cry for another. I’m allowed to hold this beautiful girl on my heart while it bleeds for her sibling. If you know me at all, you know that I am the most grateful mother in the world to have this girl right here. I thank the sun, the moon, and the stars multiple times a day for sending her to me. Gratitude is a feeling that never escapes me, even in the hardest moments.
I also recognize that not everyone has the means to do IVF. The financial part has actually been one of the hardest parts for us. Over the 8 years of #ttc we have taken out countless loans, and maxed out credit cards. None of our treatments were covered by insurance or funded by anyone. We actually lost a home and a car along the way. We accumulated six figures in infertility debt, and still kept going. All to hold this girl right here. And yep, after all that, we are so still so fucking grateful.
I can be grateful, and also grieve.
Losing a baby made me love this one even more. I didn’t think it was possible to love her more. Infertility gave me the gift of gratitude even when things feel challenging, and this new loss has multiplied that. I thank the universe on a regular basis for sending her to us. I recognize now, more than ever, how much of a miracle she really is. There are no sure bets with IVF or donor eggs for that matter - the stars, the universe and the magic all have to align.
That’s why ALL babies are miracles.
Going thru infertility and loss, while trying to be a good, present, happy mom is challenging, but I will say it’s much easier than going it alone. This beautiful girl right here is going to be the reason I survive this heartbreak.
I struggled to understand Secondary Infertility until I had gone thru it, I’ll admit I didn’t really get it until now. What I have learned is that we can’t compare grief. I’ve been thru primary and secondary infertility, and let me tell you, they both suck. Hearing “when are you going to have kids” vs “you only have one child?” both hurt.
And the desire to give your child a sibling is a new layer of love.
Secondary infertility is a huge slap in the face. It’s like learning to ride a bike so well and then all of a sudden your body is thrown off the bike uncontrollably.
It’s the feeling of failure when your child asks “mama, why can’t I have a sister?” It’s knowing the love you have for your own sibling and wanting that love for the person you love the most.
But you can’t.
To have grief for someone, there must be love. My intense love for Flo Baby is the driving force for the love and grief I feel for our unborn baby. I never met him/her but I get to witness our living, breathing miracle, every day, and know now what it could have been. I know what this powerful force of love feels like now.
Another reason to be grateful, but also a reason to grieve.
