This is a common question I get.
My response…
“You might actually love them more!”
Obviously, I don’t have anything to compare my love to, but I can tell you this - it is the highest level of love that exists. A connection stronger than anything I ever expected.
This girl is “my own”.
Did I picture having a baby with another woman’s DNA? No, of course not. Did I picture loving a child that looks nothing like me, so unconditionally it hurts? Not a chance. We all have this perfect image of the life we will live, but that doesn’t mean it’s the way it should be. Or that’s what’s best for us.
I know without a doubt that my daughter was sent to me first for an important reason.
An angel, disguised as my child, to guide me thru life. Reminding me of the woman I want to be, and how deserving I am of her love. If I hadn’t used donor eggs, it wouldn’t be her and without her, I wouldn’t be me. I know for certain that she was always the one I was fighting for, for all those years. She was always meant to be ours, here and now. All that fighting made me the best version of myself that I now get to show her as her mother.
Our egg donor not only gave me the opportunity of creating a new life, but the gift of saving my own.
Some days it’s hard to remember how lost I was. So empty. So broken. I knew there were worst things that could happen to me - I knew I wasn’t dying. But some days I felt like I was dying. Most people just can’t understand what infertility feels like, unless they have been thru it. The grieving that starts over every month, and hits you harder each time. Breaking your heart in more pieces than before. Never getting ahead. Never catching your breath. And then finally healing your heart just a little to get it ripped apart again. And again. And again.
Some days I couldn’t find one thing to be happy about. Not, One. Damn. Thing. And now? Now, I can’t find one thing to be sad about. From the second this beautiful sunshine was placed in my arms, I knew my life would never be that dark and gloomy again. This light is just too bright to dim.
I believe that anyone who sacrifices a part of themselves to help another human being is a real life Angel in my book. Egg donors help create one life and save another! Double Rainbow! They give women like me a real solid chance at becoming someone’s biological mother, to grow and nurture a baby from the inside. A woman who otherwise would have zero chance.
I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to long for my children and love them long before they are ever born. Long before they are ever created. I loved my daughter when she was a 5 day old embryo under a microscope. I loved her when she was just a dream. I walked to hell and back to get her here and I would do it all over again.
Some people believe that IVF babies are all strong babies. I mean, it makes sense to me. They have to fight to be here, right? They have to be strong to survive all they go thru to make it to transfer and go on to becoming a fetus. It’s hard work! And it’s not just their physical strength, their hearts & souls need to be strong too. These little fighters are right along side us doing their part to survive, just like we are.
I personally believe she does have parts of me. It may not be obvious to most people, but I see the parts. I often wonder if one day she will too. Maybe these are things only for me to see, and that’s okay. I don’t expect people to think we look alike, clearly she’s her daddy’s clone. It’s her soul I’m talking about. Her fierceness. Her independence. Her crazies. Her love for the water. And music. And dancing. That’s the stuff I’m talking about. That stuff, I helped make. I know it!
