This post is in partnership with Donor Egg Bank USA, to help educate and provide support for those considering donor eggs.
How to Talk to Friends and Family About Using an Egg Donor to Start a Family
Starting a family is supposed to be filled with joy and excitement — at least that’s what society tells us. Right? We never expect to include a third person into our family building narrative, or that we will experience a deep level of grief while trying to conceive. You will likely find yourself doing countless hours of research and reading on the topic, attending therapy sessions and support groups and making friends with complete strangers on social media who also walked this path, who ultimately become your safe people. You may experience shock, grief, and even trauma as you navigate the path to parenthood via donor conception.
So, yeah, it makes perfect sense to me that the idea of having to talk to friends and family about it feels utterly daunting. It definitely did for me. Now, I speak loud and proud with anyone and everyone, but it took some time to get here. Here are some of my tips to help you navigate these conversations with confidence.
1. Don’t Rush
Before even thinking about approaching your loved ones, take time to process your own emotions first. Try to focus on your grief and healing without the burden of worrying about what others will think. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can take this time for yourself, and your partner if you have one, you will feel much more confident when you do decide to have these conversations. Some people wait until they are pregnant, or even when the baby comes. This is not a race to tell the world, it’s a marathon to feeling comfortable with your story and to find confidence in sharing on terms that best support your family.
2. Educate Yourself as Much as You Can
Take the time to do your own research — read books, blogs, articles, etc. Learn as much as you can about the process, the potential outcomes, and what this could mean for your family. Talk to others and ask ALL the questions in your mind. Your friends and family may not be familiar with the process of using an egg donor, so it helps to educate yourself thoroughly and be prepared for any questions that might come up. Understand the medical, emotional, and legal aspects involved too. Having factual information can help bust any myths they may come at you with.
You don’t have to be an expert, but having done the research will not only give you confidence to have these conversations, but they will also help you feel more at peace in your path to becoming a parent. With that being said, it’s easy to get lost in the google spiral, which is exactly why I started a Donor Conception Class Series so that you can sit back and learn from credible experts and gain perspective from those ahead of you.
3. Seek Guidance from Those Ahead of You
I am a huge believer in talking to people that have walked in your shoes and learning from their experiences. What’s that saying… “don’t take directions from someone who hasn’t been where you are going?” This is such a unique path, and while many will try to study it and understand it, you can’t truly know what this feels like unless you have had your own personal experience. Those are the people I like to seek guidance from.
There are tons of donor egg advocates like me on social media that want to help those after us. You aren’t supposed to do this alone, and we want to make sure that doesn’t happen. If you think your family’s religious, cultural or political beliefs might make this conversation more challenging, find others that have experience addressing these concerns.
I’ve included some of my favorite #deivf accounts below.
@ definingmum
@ emilympatel
@ dani_repsch
@ camilleguaty
@ kreenadhiman
@ ivf_mumma_tribe
@ savlafaire
@ sherellegilbert
I am always here to help as well, reach out to me anytime @ expectinganything
Donor Egg Bank USA™ is also a great resource once you start the journey. I know many of the people on their team and have been impressed with the human kindness they show to their intended parents.
4. Deliver the News in a Way That Feels Comfortable
After you have done the hard work of educating yourself, healing your heart, and working through the grief process, you may feel ready to start sharing with a few close family members. Think through who you want to start talking to first and start with those you feel most comfortable with. You know your family better than anyone and what would be the best delivery. I have seen the news delivered in many different ways:
A Letter: Some people prefer to send a handwritten letter in the mail, or a thoughtful email. This allows you the space to write out exactly what you want to say. You could spend weeks or months getting the letter just right, and even include some links to resources that helped you. You could let them know that you are delivering the message this way because it’s really hard for you to talk about and give them permission to not have to respond right away, because you recognize that this may be hard for them too.
A Phone Call: This also might feel more comfortable for some, because you can write yourself some talking points or even a script and still don’t have to “face” the loved one and can protect yourself from any facial expressions that might feel hurtful.
Ask for Help: Some people decide to have one of their close family members deliver the news for them - like maybe you are comfortable telling your sister but not your parents, and so you could ask your sister for help in delivering the news for you. She could explain how hard this is for you and help guide them on how to support you.
Deliver the News in Person: This one feels right to some people because they need to be able to see, feel, touch the family member after the news is shared. You could ask for time with your loved one in a private setting when you know everyone is calm and relaxed. You could prepare an opening sentence or two like… “This is really hard for me to tell you, but I have been diagnosed with X and learned that I need an egg donor to conceive. I have been through a lot physically and emotionally and am now ready to share with people I love. I can understand if this news is hard for you too, but I wanted you to know, because your support is really important to me.” Say the words and then pause.
5. Be Vulnerable
I always think vulnerable conversations are the best ones because they allow space for deep human connection. Why put up a front or try to appear as if you have it all figured out when you don’t? Who does that serve? Vulnerability fosters connection and empathy. Why not share the emotional journey, including the challenges, hopes, and fears you’ve faced. Opening up about your vulnerabilities can help your friends and family understand the depth of your decision and build a stronger emotional bond.
6. Anticipate Different Reactions
People's reactions can vary widely. Some may be supportive and understanding right away, while others might need time to process the information. Be prepared for a range of emotions, including surprise, curiosity, or even discomfort. Remember, their initial reaction may not reflect their long-term feelings, and many times is due to a lack of education. Whenever I would get an uncomfortable reaction from someone, I would try to think back to the initial reaction I had when I was first told I needed an egg donor to conceive. I had a very different perspective and belief system than I do now, which took a lot of time, education, and healing. I can’t expect every person I tell to understand right away. Try to remember there will likely be a learning curve for most people you tell.
Also, what you are experiencing is disenfranchised grief: a type of grief that doesn’t fit in with society’s attitude on dealing with loss, so expect that many of your loved ones will not know how to support you either. They may say hurtful things unknowingly.
Have a response ready if things get too uncomfortable. I personally think the most effective way to respond is to be honest about how their reaction makes you feel. Simply tell them that their response is hurtful to you. Or correct them by saying “that’s actually not accurate.”
7. Set Boundaries
It's important to set boundaries about what you’re comfortable discussing and with who. You can decide to tell everyone everything (like me), or you can decide to be more private (which many decide to do). Your personality will weigh into how you handle how much you share. Are you normally an open book about your life? Or do you keep things closer to the chest? There is no right way to do this; you must choose what feels right to who you are. Let your friends and family know what you’re willing to share and what you’d prefer to keep to yourselves. This helps manage the questions and comments, and ultimately their expectations.
8. Offer Resources
It can feel overwhelming to have to constantly be educating others. Providing articles, books, blogs, podcasts, etc. can help your loved ones better understand this path to parenthood and offer perspective from another source. Give them a chance to educate themselves and come back with more informed questions or support. In my class series, we offer the option for intended parents to bring their loved ones to the sessions, and it’s an absolute joy to get to witness a parent or sibling coming to learn and better support their loved one.
Organizations like Donor Egg Bank USA have dedicated family building consultants and free resources like their blog and monthly webinars to help you navigate this process from the very beginning.
Check them out at @ donoreggbankusa
9. Be Patient
Remember, this isn’t just about your donor egg IVF journey right now — this is about supporting your future family, forever and ever. We are playing the long game here. Give your friends and family a little grace and time to process the information if they need it. They may need some time to adjust to the idea like you and I did, and that’s understandable.
Conclusion
Discussing donor conception with friends and family can be scary at first, but it can actually be beautiful once the news is shared. We all need more people to support us and our children, and by opening up to people that love you, you might be surprised with the joy and positivity that comes your way.
If you are in need of support, never hesitate to reach out. There are so many great resources for those on the journey, such as Donor Egg Bank USA. They are not just an egg bank, they are a team of compassionate individuals who care about fulfilling your dreams of parenthood.
