Starting a family is supposed to be filled with joy and excitement — at least that’s what society tells us. Right? We never expect to include a third person into our family building narrative, or that we will experience a deep level of grief while trying to conceive. You will likely find yourself doing countless hours of research and reading on the topic, attending therapy sessions and support groups and making friends with complete strangers on social media who also walked this path, who ultimately become your safe people. You may experience shock, grief, and even trauma as you navigate the path to parenthood via donor conception.
“Our Hearts Match” is a story of a T-Rex Mama and her beloved little brontosaurus, who talk very openly about their physical differences and confidently celebrate what makes them each unique, while also leaning in on what makes them “match” on the inside - their hearts.
I believe this book can not only help children learn about what connects us as family, but also help parents process the hard feelings around genetic grief and shift their perspectives to a more beautiful lens. This mother/child duo is proof that we don’t have to match each other to have dino-mite love and connection.
The journey of conceiving a child via egg donation is a deeply personal process. We all enter this process with unique pieces of ourselves. Whether it be our family belief systems, personality types, religious backgrounds or cultural beliefs, no two people enter this process the same.
Whether this is your first time considering egg donation or you’ve always known you would need an egg donor to build your family, choosing an egg donor is not an easy process. I’ve personally been through the egg donation selection process multiple times now, with multiple different agencies and egg banks. It can be exciting and equally overwhelming. I’m sharing some of the lessons I learned in hopes to make this process a bit easier for you. It can be exciting and equally overwhelming. I’m sharing some of the lessons I learned in hopes to make this process a bit easier for you.
This is such an overwhelming decision to have to make and there are so many different schools of thought on whether it’s better to use fresh or frozen donor eggs. It’s easy to feel confused on which direction to take. This is truly a personal decision and heavily based on your situation and the plans you have for your future family. I’m not a doctor or expert by any means, but I have definitely been faced with this decision multiple times in my life and feel the need to share my personal reflection.
Did you know that baby monitor rage is a thing? Well, it is in my house. It’s like road rage, except you aren’t alone in your car yelling at random strangers who can’t hear you. You are in your bedroom, in the dark, laying next to your spouse, and two dogs, yelling at a tiny electronic. And, you know how people say that putting together IKEA furniture is the number one cause of a fight in a relationship. I think they are wrong. I think it’s baby monitor rage. Yes, definitely.
Infertility is a big undertaking and your entire world will revolve around it, understandably so. You will learn an entirely new vocabulary - things like TTC, IUI, IVF, FSH, PUPO etc. The new lingo on it’s own can be overwhelming. You will learn things about reproduction that, if you are like me, never learned in Sex-Ed class. You will start noticing things about your body you never realized before, because quite frankly the texture of your discharge just wasn’t important until now. You will have to work hard and contribute to your TTC plan every dang on day - whether it be doctors visits 5-6 times in a two week period, setting 3-4 alarms a day to remember your injections, choking down 35 different supplements every night, sticking suppositories and other weird shit up your coot-coot, and examining your panties for egg whites like a mother fucking panty hawk, infertility will be your life.
There are so many misconceptions out there around feeding your baby formula, and as a new mom it’s a really emotional topic to try to understand. Especially when you are in the think of it with a new infant at home. The hormones, the loneliness, the “oh-shit, someone really trusted me to keep this tiny human alive”, etc. I suffered from major PPA (postpartum anxiety) my first 3-4 months of motherhood, and looking back, I am pretty certain that the main cause stemmed mostly from my shortcomings with breast feeding. I was so hard on myself for not being able to “stick with it” and felt shameful for turning to formula.
I've been obsessing over what is necessary for labor and birthing. Trying to decide WTF I need for recovery and what to pack in my hospital bag! There is so much info out there and it is VERY overwhelming. I mean for the love of God, you are only there two-three days! Ay caramba! I've been doing some online research, talking to other experienced mommas and just recently took a class at Hoag Hospital, that I found to be very informative. I'm compiling all this info into one place to help you prepare! I'm a "planner" so yes, my list might be a bit "extra" for some people, but it helps me feel sane!
For so long, I have tried to visualize what our nursery would look like. I had the hardest time picturing anything at all. I love interior design, I take a lot of pride in the design of our home, my husband and I both do, but for some reason creating a vision for this room was just one big mental block.
Finding out we were finally pregnant was by far, to date, the best day of my life. The day our embryo was transferred to me via IVF, I knew I needed to believe I was pregnant, and that's exactly what I did. I made it my mission to protect that little pea in my pod with everything I had. I was put on bed rest for 3 days and then house arrest for an additional 2 days.
Finding support during infertility is crucial to your survival. Infertility can feel like the loneliest, darkest place you have ever visited if you try to go it alone. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I’ve been there. It wasn’t until I found support that I was able to rise up and move on through my journey. I struggled with infertility for eight years, and at least half of that time I cried behind closed doors. No one knew my pain even existed except my husband, and although he tried his hardest to support me, he truly didn’t really grasp what it felt like to be me.
I remember this defining moment like it was yesterday. The doctor told me that it was almost impossible for me to conceive. She told me that it was going to be a huge uphill battle if I wanted to get pregnant. I had already tried multiple rounds of fertility treatments, IUIs, IVF, laparoscopy, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, you name it. Infertility was my life. It had consumed every piece of my being. I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t eat certain foods, I was wearing UGG boots in the summer because someone told me it would help my fertility if I kept my feet warm.
On November 8th, 2017, the day of our IVF transfer, we had sex that morning before heading into the surgery center. It wasn’t something we planned to do, and to be honest, we probably should have cleared this by our doctor, but we knew this day was special and wanted to somehow feel like we romantically came together and made a baby. I had no idea this would be the last time I would make love to my husband until after Flo was born. Seven weeks postpartum to be exact. According to math, that’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS without fornication.
This is it y'all. The BEST, most scary, most exciting day of my life. The day our sweet baby Flo entered this world. Yes, I setup a GoPro camera in the corner to capture her arrival. And yes, I've watched it at least a dozen times already. Don't worry, you won't see my coot coot or any weird shit. I'm keeping it classy, for once. But before you watch the video, and think, wow, that looks so easy, she literally pushed for under a minute... Let me tell you somethin' (in my best Ace Ventura voice). There were A LOT of challenges leading up to this moment.
TRUTH : Infertile mommas tend to be a little on the paranoid side. But, understandably so y'all. We're used to loss. We're used to disappointment. We're used to failure. Many of us get to place of accepting this way of life and learn to EXPECT just about EVERYTHING to go wrong when it comes to baby makin'. Amiright?
Finding support has been my key to survival. I found that the emotional stress that I had to encounter along this journey was the hardest part. I could muscle thought the physical stuff, like the poking, prodding, surgeries, needles, weight gain, etc. I knew it was temporary and I just needed to get through it. I could just close my eyes and push through. I'm not saying I didn't cry sometimes. And I'm not saying it wasn't hard. I'm just saying, I got through it. It wasn't the worst part.
We've decided to save the "gender reveal" to just us. In the delivery room. The old school way. Perhaps I should tight roll my maternity jeans and pop in a mix tape to get ready for the big day. I'm thinking something with a little C&C Music factory should do the trick. Deciding to wait on finding out was not an easy process for me. For a Type A, obsessive, perfectionist, planner, control freak, this choice was NOT at all comfortable. In the beginning, I desperately wanted to know.
If going the IVF route, you are likely faced with this dilemma- to test your embryos or not to test? Genetic Testing (otherwise known as PGS, preimplantation genetic screening), is when one or more cells is removed from an IVF embryo to test for chromosomal normalcy.The genetically normal embryos are kept for transfer, and the abnormal embryos are discarded.
Now that I'm pregnant, people are starting to treat me like any, normal, "fertile" pregnant woman. Most would think, this is what I want - to feel normal. I don't blame them, I can see why people would think this. They might think - she's finally pregnant and past all the grieving and hard stuff, so this is the time to shower her with excitement and baby talk. But, I'm so not.
I'm infertile and proud. No one can take that away from me. Infertility is and always will be apart of me. Infertility has made me stronger. Infertility has made me better. And just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean things end here. I'm still taking two-three injections per day in the ass for another 11 weeks. I'm still choking down handfuls of large pills every night. I'm still jacked with fertility hormones. I'm still in the doctor's office being monitored and tested multiple times a week to make sure the baby is still hanging on.
I knew the day that we scheduled our first IVF transfer that I wanted to document the process. I thought - how cool would that be to have photos of the day our baby was conceived? We would have photos to show our child one day!My husband thought I was nuts, I remember him saying - 'there's no way in hell the doctor will go for that, it's just weird Victoria."
Most doctor's won't take you seriously unless you have been trying for 6-12 months with timed intercourse around ovulation. This means using home ovulating predictor kits each month, and having sex when you see a smiley face on the pee stick. Pregnancy is technically only possible during the five days before ovulation through the day ovulation actually takes place. These six days are the 'fertile window' in a woman's cycle, and represent the lifespan of sperm (5 days) and the lifespan of the ovum, a mature female reproductive cell (24 hours). So, yes, there are only 6 days in the month that you can "technically" get pregnant.
